The Nut-O-Meter

When is it that a person throws all caution to the wind and says, “Ah Hell, I am going to do….yada, yada, yada???”   For instance, I am sick and tired of waiting around for someone to find me to date and I contemplate putting an ad in some paper or magazine with a photo that may read something like this:

Dear Whomever:  Let me tell you, you are missing the boat.  The eagle has landed and you are no-where near the nesting site.  I am a highly-educated, good looking woman with experience and va-va-voom.  I am sick and tired of meeting men who have had their mid-life crisis and now after settling for a skinny skanky woman 20-years their junior, they find themselves once again single but now saddled with one, two or three kids under the age of ten??  Grow up? What the hell did you think would happen?  Do you think the wise, (me) forgotten woman who has no children to rear wants to take over your sorry load of kids until they are 18 and you are 75?  Forgetaboutit!!!  or should I DiNero say, “Fagedaboudit!”    If you want to go sticking things where they don’t belong, you can take your sorry ass and those youngsters with you well into retirement alone!   I want the sensible, single, mature, well-groomed, hygienically and atomically correct male (not Ken) who loves to dance, laugh, ski, ride horses, giggle, dress up for Halloween and snow shoe to call me.  (Do they exist?)

But then I think – damn thinking can get a person into trouble but not thinking will also do the same.  I would be nuts to put such an ad in the paper or waste good money in a magazine, even it if was a Rob Report (yes I subscribe to that). 

I think, doing something like this would be nuts!  Then I think, what the hell do I care?  I don’t really.  I would like a mate, but at what cost?  Tell me readers, should I let the Nut-O-Meter go, throw caution tot he wind and find Mr. Wonderful?  (White horse must be included.)  On the other hand, would I be able to write on my blog on a Saturday night at 9:30 if Mr. Wonderful were drooling on my neck?  Yuck and No.  Curious, let me know!

Oh, for the love of Pets!

This morning, sitting peacefully at my computer, sipping my morning’s dose of caffeine, this most horrific of smells wanders into the office area.  “Oh no”  I think to myself, River is taking a dump again and it is one heck of a strong one.  His litter box sits relatively close to the office door, but when cleaned regularly, it is not a problem – except when the nasty, smelly, deeds are done.

This morning, the smell was just a bit more unique, more pungent.  I rose from my chair to see his had a little accident on the rug surrounding it and find a stray bit of the looser variety.  He is trying to be the good pet by scratching the run to cover it up.  I run off and get the heavy duty cleaner and a wad of paper towels and clean it up, telling him, “It’s okay.”

I then notice he is sitting in my office taking care of hygiene.  “Good kitty” I think, nothing worse that spots and trails throughout the house.  I look down and notice a shoe-leather diameter strand of errant poop hanging from his butt.  I am thinking, “Poor cat, must have eaten something that didn’t agree with him.”

I gingerly pick him up and rush to the paper towel dispenser to help him.  When, what to my wondering eyes does appear, but a poop covered, 6″ length of brown (duh) ‘something’ get extracted from his butt.  It is obvious to me now that the cat ate a piece of something about 6″ or longer.  I would like to thank my good fortune, that this length foreign string, yarn, leather piece passed with out veterinary assistance.

Gross, yes.  But as a mother you learn to do some of the most unimaginable things.  On this note, I will add this is a first and it was never on a bucket list of to do things.

River is fine, but will be watched that much closer.  “Hey, where did my mouse go….?”

Remember, you got the poop scoop here first.

~Funnyfoddergal~

No nips, No tucks but nippleitus.

Whew, just escaped that frostbite bullet.  I was fortunate enough to be able to change my plans to go to Vermont skiing this week.  Not that I don’t want to ski, but who wants frostbitten toes, nose, fingers, cheeks and anything else it wants to nip?  Not me.  Instead we will be traveling to the Green Mountains in the tepid month of March.

Mind you, nippleitus is still possible.  If you don’t know what this is, ask a guy.  Men can suffer from this affliction also, but it predominantly affects women.  On that note, off to have a hot toddy and a warm fire~!

Stay warm my friends and watch our for nippleitus!

Frostbite will be Nipping More Than My Nose

Frostbite will be Nipping More Than My Nose!

When planning for a ski vacation, the one thing out of your control is the weather. I will be skiing the mountains of Vermont this week, probably during the most freakin, unbearable cold weather of this winter!

I can guarantee you, I will be be taking nips to keep the nips off my nose, toes and any other part that Mr. Frostbite wants to take.

Cheerio and a Nip for you too~!

‘JAMMIES IN A PINCH”

There are just some days when you don’t feel like wearing a bra or getting out of your jammies. Voila! The solution. However, if you are young or blessed with perky ones, you might have to adapt.
Love Gertie~!

My Date, Mortimer

MY DATE, MORTIMER

On an attempt to rid myself once and for all of the belongings of an ex-husband who walked out on me and fled to Australia (yes, he had to go far to get away), I listed a pair of skis for sale on Craigslist. The asking price was a mere $150. After a few emails, the person above, Mr. M., asked if he could get them for $120 as he was a single father and had two kids. I responded: “My ex walked out leaving a note on the counter, my sister died shortly thereafter, I was strangled and then 8 days later had a bad ski accident that caused me to lose all my jobs. $140, lowest offer. Did I win?”

The next email was, “I just love your sense of humor Gertie, how about $140, dinner and drinks?”
So this is how I came to have a date/ski sale with the man above.  (Don’t worry followers, I met in a well-traveled pub in a very lively area, it was safe.)

Kidding, it wasn’t this guy, but this is the photo he sent me. The photo I sent him will be posted shortly, it will be called, “Jammies in a Pinch.”

Oh, what interesting times we live in!!

Ciao~ Gertie!

Sad Day

Today is a day of reflection, not a funny fodder day.  Yesterday a friend lost his 94 year old mother.  She was a hot ticket and had boyfriends right up until the last one kicked the bucket.  She was a fighter and a feisty one, may she rest in peace.

A couple days ago, a friend in Oz land lost her cat.  Today my niece called hysterical right after her cat mysteriously died.  We hadn’t even been on speaking terms, (me and my niece, the cat and I were fine), but family is family so when she called I dropped everything I was doing and went over to be there for her.  The cat was a hefty 11 or 12 year old cat and there was nothing apparent or really wrong with him.  I am just glad it went quick.  Dying sucks.  Cancer sucks, losing a friend, a relative or a wallet – it all sucks. 

On this sad note, I will head off to bed to la-la land and dream of happy places with blue skies, nice jazz music, angels, wine, chocolate and pleasant temperatures.  I pray for all the sick people in the world.  RIP I and F. 

“It’s Monday, put your big-girl panties on and say Giddy Up!”

Never be Afraid~!

Remember, life is a work in progress. Living is a constant, ever changing, never static.

~funnyfoddergal~

Hunkered-Down Hibernation

You must say the title like a Billy-Bob or a Bubba would.  “Hunn-ker-daown Hy-bear-na-shun.” Repeat, “Hunn-ker-daown Hy-bear-na-shun.”  Yup, that’s what I have been doing for about 36 hours.  If you have been watching the TV, most of the US is sick with the flu.  “Almost an epidemic” according to some stations.  What?  Sick is sick and a cold is a cold.  The reported cases in the hospitals, in my opinion or IMHO are probably from the thousands of people out of work or without healthcare that turn to the emergency rooms for treatment.  I am sick but the last place I would go to is the hospital unless it felt like I was dying, heck you get more germs at most hospitals!  Just me, but I would prefer to hunker-down, crawl under the covers with a good book or a stack of movies and watch TV all day.

It started about 8 days ago for me.  My 3rd go around with a cold.  I never get sick, well I never did like this.  I really don’t think the last cold went away completely.  I also am not around tons of people like I use to be and I feel like I have not built up the immune system I once had, so I am getting sicker.  I know, that sounds like reverse logic, but doctors say that kids that don’t grow up with pets tend to be more prone to allergies, etc.  That’s my logic and I am sticking to it.

I started my hunkering on Friday night.  Box of tissue, bottles of water and a bag and a-half of candy kisses, some cough syrup (for night and day), the couch and TV.   My cat was with me, choosing his various places to sleep in the next 36 hours.  Friday night was the worst and I almost thought I would have to call out for a home delivery of tissue.  My nose was raw when I finally went to bed.

Saturday I slept in until about 2 PM.  I had woken earlier but felt like crap and said the best thing I could do was sleep, so I did.  Finally at 3 I got up and went to the couch to watch movies until I went to be later that night.  Sunday wasn’t much different, but my nose finally stopped creating the gross stuff and I didn’t have the great need for the tissue I once did.

I spent Sunday on the couch with those darn kisses.  It eventually became a game.  I would eat a candy kiss and then the metal wrapper would be balled up and tossed out onto the rug for the cat to play with.

I can now report approximately 26 metal shaped balls scattered around the floor and house, a bloated belly but a much better cold.  So if you get sick, hunker down, get a cat and some kisses to pass the time.